Backseat philosopher

(Overheard when driving recently.)

Yes. Sometimes life is annoying.
You just have to deal with it.
[pause, as though listening to a response]
You know, it's just like when you stick three pieces of paper together in a clump.

I think there's something there for everyone.

What's love got to do with it?

Boy informed me yesterday that he likes me, sometimes, and sometimes he doesn't. But he doesn't love me. Because love means you really, really, really like someone, and he can't really, really, really like me when he sometimes doesn't like me.

I have suggested an alternate definition of love, one that is not necessarily incompatible with occasional dislike. He disagrees.

I got my mother's day card today. He has written: Lik(e) you.

The full intended message, which he didn't get finished, was:

Dear mum,
I like you and I don't like you. I don't love you.
Happy Mother's Day!

Elementary!

The other day, Granddad and I were watching a Dr Who marathon - second Dr, black and white, state of the art special effects. Boy was not impressed, and since he weren't going to put something on that would be good for him*, he demanded that his toys and craft stuff be moved into another room. Peering round the corner, he would dash in during the ad breaks to get some more paper (and complain again about Silly Old Dr Who, I hate that show).

A little while later, he leapt into the room brandishing a small torch**, which he flashed at the screen a couple of times, then, muttering to himself he ran off again. His plan was foiled.

Next, he came out with a plastic screw jammed on to the end of a plastic screw driver which he flicked off at the TV screen. It also didn't work and his invention would have been confiscated if he hadn't scampered off right away.

Finally, he resorted to sign writing.

Look Mummy, this says: One, Two. No TV! That means you have to turn off this silly old TV show and let me watch some kiddy TV.

His sign read:

TV
ON
12

We pointed out that it was a bit backwards. He insisted it was correct, you just have to read it this way. We countered with an explanation of how English is read.

He sighed.

Mummy. It's a code. That's why it's written that way.




*Sometimes he rather magnanimously suggests we find something that everyone likes. Which is just his way of saying: Something I like.

**It's funny, because his "TV-off" invention bore remarkable similarity to the weapons taped to the arms of the Ice Warriors.

Weird science

Sometimes Boy is rough with Girl, and she dobs him in.

"Boy pushyoo" "Boy bite yoo" "Boy 'mack yoo" etc

The other day I heard a thud and Girl started crying. From around the corner Boy appeared, arms wide in that universal gesture for "I didn't do it":

"It was gravity!"

He had to learn about gravity, because he needed to know why the Earth revolved around the sun.

"You know, it seems like the Earth is the centre of the solar system, but it really isn't, actually!"

Which then brings us to the rotation of the Earth.

But first.... yesterday Boy was getting violent and wouldn't stop. In desperation I pulled out my one punishment card: No books at bedtime. He didn't believe me, but was devastated when bedtime rolled on and he realised he'd have to go to bed with no stories.

So, this morning he's fiddling with something of mine, which I've asked him not to touch. He looks at me slyly:

"But, if I do this [twiddles something around] it'll make the world spin around faster and faster and then I'll have had my stories in bed tonight before I've done this"

Yes. Time travel.

Sneaky, sneaky

How many limes are there?
I don't know!
Let's see. There's one..two...three...four....
Yes, there's four. And there's two more, so that's six*.

MATH GENIUS!!!!

Today Boy spied something in his grandmother's bag. A little something she was going to give him when she left.

He wants it. Now.

I'm going to make a machine to sneak it out of grandma's bag!
That's stealing!
No it's not. Grandma is going to give it to me when she leaves.
But it's not yours till she gives it to you. She has to give it to you, otherwise it's stealing.
But... she's going to be on a plane or something....
.....
But... the machine will steal it.

It'll stand up in court.



* Imagine, once more, that tone of voice reserved for the terminally stupid.

Humour me

Boy: I'm going to get an elephant for our backyard! A FIFTY-FOOT elephant!
Me: Wow. That's a really big elephant. That'd be even bigger than our house!
Boy:.... No! [Tone reserved for the very stupid] It's the same size as a normal elephant, it just has more legs.

~~bucketafish~~

Would I lie to you?

I witnessed Boy riding his tricycle into Justababy the other day. It was quite deliberate - not only was he giggling, but he reversed up a bit and rode back into her a couple of times before I could get there.

So the tricycle went up in the wardrobe and there was much wailing and angry crying.

I decided to talk to Boy about it when he demanded his trike back.

Me: What were you doing with your bike?
Boy: NOTHING!
Me: I saw you riding into your sister with it.
Boy: Well it was just an accident!
Me: I don't think it was an accident, really.
Boy: Well I just couldn't see where I was going.

I read somewhere that kids develop the ability to lie around the age of 5 or so. We we have a big 'check' for that developmental milestone at just shy of four and a half.

Me: I think you're telling me lies. You know, we don't tell each other lies?*
Boy: Why don't we?
Me: Because we love each other, so we tell each other the truth.**
Boy: We we do tell each other lies because we hate each other.

Mkay.


*This is manifestly untrue in light of the proceeding conversation, of course.
**Lame?

The sins of the father

I'm a bit of a duffer because I have got duffer DNA from daddy.

Reason I can't eat my dinner #435

I'm scared to eat lots of chicken because it might come alive.

Boss Boy

Boy intends to be Boss of the World when he grows up. Actually he's already filling the position in an acting capacity, I think. And of course there has to be one, mummy, otherwise how else would everyone know what to do?

Well, some of us like to make our own decisions.
~~~frown~~~
Boy doesn't like that idea.

At the playground he came to me, quite perturbed, as another boy had pushed him (yes, pushed!) because he had "ruined his game".
So, this boy did't like you ruining his game?
Yes, but, he pushed me.
So.... maybe you shouldn't have ruined his game?
Yes, but, mummy, you have to come and fight with him.

Yeah. I don't think so.

Fat dadda

Daddy was sitting at the computer when Boy approached.

Boy: Daddy.... What is your chest fat doing there?! [pointing to the place where Daddy met the computer desk*]
Daddy: That's not my chest.... I do have a big belly, though. I should exercise more.
Boy: [looks thoughtful for a moment] Yes. You should exercise more.


*Daddy is quite certain his belly was not touching the desk. There was at least a millimetre of t-shirt fold in between.

On the nose

Boy wanted to sleep outside tonight. We managed to convince him it wouldn't be a great idea without a tent - what with being eaten alive by mosquitos and all.

We've now segued into camping out in his play room. No worries. But not every night, because then it wouldn't be special.

Boy: Hmmm. So can I sleep with Justababy and you? Then that will keep sleeping in the play room special.
Me: Yes, but, Justababy wakes up a lot. You wouldn't get much sleep.
Boy: That's ok mummy. I can sleep through noise.
Me: Ummmmm. But then I won't have much room with two wriggly little kids. What about sleeping with daddy.
Boy: Yes, that's a good idea. Because I can sleep through smelly things, too.

How far from the tree do the apples fall?

Boy often complains about his dinner. Tonight it was "disgusting".

He demands something else. And if I don't jump right to it, he declares "I'll just get something for myself!"

He's started sneaking food at dinner time. Tonight Daddy confiscated an apple before we managed to get him to sit down and eat his dinner.

Boy: Why do I need to stop sneaking food?
Me: Because we give you good food for dinner and you need to eat it before you can have other food.
Boy: But apples are healthy.
Me: Yes, they are, but you still need to eat your dinner first.
Boy: Well you should just give me apples for dinner.

Sales pitch

Getting your child to eat new foods. A lesson.
It's all in the marketing.
Quinoa = completely unknown, certainly yucky food.
"Special grain from Africa"* = oh yum, I love that!**



*Yes, I know, but Africa is COOL. That's where Naughty Tiger is from. He doesn't eat it, though. He prefers chicken.
** He didn't actually eat it, but never mind. We did avoid the screaming meltdown about how awful it was.

Time Out of the box.

For those parents that don't 'do' punishments, ever wondered what happens when your imaginative four year old goes to school and encounters The Naughty Corner and Time Out....?

Well, the other kids get to go in The Naughty Corner. But I don't. But that's ok, because I just stop wherever I am and just think about having a naughty corner in my head. And it's ok, because it's more interesting* in there.

* "istering" in fact.

Power nap

[YAAAAWWWWN] Oh I had such a long sleep! Now I've lost all my exciting parts.

Tigers are a Boy's best friend

I've written about Naughty Tiger before, and if you've ever met Boy, you'll have heard all about him.

Naughty Tiger lives in a magical land where absolutely anything is possible, which must be nice for him. It's also a convenient - and very commonly used - comeback for Boy for pretty much any argument.

What do you mean, the car can't fly to the moon? But Naughty Tiger's can.*
You want me to wash my hands after I go to the toilet? But Naughty Tiger doesn't have to.

The other day Boy wanted to know why we didn't have a car park at our house.
We don't really have that many cars....
Well, Naughty Tiger has a car park at his house.
Really, how many cars can he fit in it?
As many cars as there are trees in the world.
(Daddy commented that he probably would have had to clearfell quite a few to fit the car park in...)

Recently Boy went shopping with his grandma. Naughty Tiger went along too. He was up to a bit of mischief though, snatching things off the shelves and trying to take things from grandma's trolley.
NO NO NO! Yelled Boy. No Naughty Tiger, put that back. That's not yours!

And today Boy had to yell at Naughty Tiger again: No Naughty Tiger, NO! Don't drive your car on the footpath.
Mummy, I just had to tell Naughty Tiger not to run his car into that man on the footpath.**
Is he coming to the shops with us?
No! He's going that way. [shakes head]


*In point of fact, Boy has a magical car that will take him into space, but if you want to get to the moon or Mars or somewhere like that, you will need to take the helicopter. Der.

** Said man did look a bit worried about it all.

Babies are just all right for Boy

We were out to dinner when Boy handed down his verdict on girls.

Girl babies are just all right for me. But when they are little girls they are not all right for me.

Us (taken aback): Why?

They are just too distracting for me when I'm trying to do something.


One of our hosts noted that this was probably going to be a bigger problem for him as he gets older.

Backseat babbler

Boy (from the back seat of the car): No! No! No! No!

Me: What's wrong sweetie?

Boy:  Nothing's wrong. Why are you asking me if anything's wrong?

Me: You said No no no no no. I thought you were talking to me.

Boy: Nooooooo. One hand was just saying that to the other one.

Me: Oh. Right.

Boy: Now they are fighting.

Down on the farm

Boy likes to play pretend. He has quite a vivid imagination. He also has a farm out in our backyard. He has sheep and cows and grows wheat.*

Daddy is currently trying to bring order to the chaos that is our backyard, er, farm, and part of that naturally involves shoving any potentially dangerous junk behind the shed.** Boy, however, objected to the idea of putting up barriers to stop him clambering over the junk pile.

Daddy: But there are spiders and sharp nails in there.
Boy: It's ok Daddy! The cows will chase away all the spiders and pull out all the nails.
Daddy: Errr, no, look....




*Actually he recently told his grandparents that he didn't keep animals, just grew food to feed his family. Tomatoes in fact. Which is sort of true.

** No, he can't just throw it away.